Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven’t before
–R.E.M.
Leadership guru and family therapist Edwin Friedman wrote a fable about a row of dominoes arranged in a long line. The dominoes stand one-half of their length apart. The dominoes, like people, feel tension. They know if one domino tips over, all will.
One day, it happens. Domino “Number 10,001” moves ever so slightly. Trying to right itself, it swivels too far in the other direction. Now, all is lost. The domino falls and hits its neighbor. Then the chain reaction begins. That domino drops and hits ITS neighbor. The neighbor plunges and lands on the next domino up.
Many dominoes hear the noise down the line and know what is coming. Some ignore the sounds, pretending all is well. Others give in without a fight. Occasionally, a domino grows so anxious waiting for the inevitable that sheer angst causes it to fall before the tidal wave arrives.
The process continues. Hundreds, no, thousands of dominoes fall.
Until…
one domino lands on another…
and it does not go down.
It wavers. It swerves back and forth. But it does not fall.
The epidemic is over. The dominoes still standing feel relief; they recognize that fate has spared them.
In the aftermath, the survivors ask the heroic domino to speak. How did you achieve this great victory? How did you stem the tide?
He replies, “All I can say is that while each of you kept trying to hold your neighbor up, my concern was that I did not go down.”
These words from Friedman’s story offer us great wisdom. Before we can prevent others from falling, we must keep ourselves standing up.
Standing Up so that Others Don’t Fall Down
I remember living in South America years ago. My wife and I would fly back and forth to the US with our baby girl. Having a child made me comprehend, for the first time, words I had doubtlessly heard many times before and ignored. The flight attendant advised us that oxygen masks would drop and become available for each passenger in an emergency. She warned parents to take the masks first and inhale BEFORE placing them on small children.
The reason was simple. If parents did not care for themselves first, the children would have little chance of surviving. To put it in the language of the dominoes, if parents did not first make the decision to NOT go down, they would fall. And so would the dominoes after that.
It is a good thing for leaders at church, at work, at home, at school, and anywhere else to help their followers remain standing. But when the scales are tipped, and they expend too much energy on their neighbor, both can topple. Leaders must make sure they themselves do not go down. How?
1. Strong leaders connect with their followers, yet they also set themselves apart.
Consider parenting.
As children grow, parents should cultivate intimacy and autonomy in their relationship. Parents need to connect with their children. Yet children should mature over time and choose to leave home and live on their own when the appropriate time comes.
Something similar occurs within organizations like churches, businesses, corporations, and politics. Leaders must balance the tension in their organizations between intimacy and autonomy. Some leaders are too connected to their co-workers. They are too concerned for them; they are too empathetic. When problems arise, this dynamic can create a lot of tension within their organization. A team cannot thrive in anxiety, and all of this can start the dominoes falling.
Strong leaders courageous enough to set themselves apart can overcome these crises. They are impervious to tension and anxiety. When the next domino drops and lands on them, they may wobble, but they won’t fall down.
You must first know what you believe to set yourself apart yet stay connected. Spell it out for yourself. Write it down.
Next, you must define yourself substantially to others. Don’t overpower them, but communicate well what you believe.
2. Strong leaders do not over-function.
When leaders over-function, they allow themselves to take on the responsibility for the problems of others. This encourages those who follow them to under-function. Therein lies the rub. Over-functioning creates a lot of stress for leaders.
Organizations have failed because leaders became so concerned about holding up their neighbors that they did not keep themselves standing. In other words, they became too worried about taking care of others. Thus, they overreached and no longer took care of themselves. As a result, many in the organization toppled and fell.
Here is how that looks. Bob is the senior minister on the church staff. He constantly harps at the other ministers and the administrative team for not doing their jobs correctly. Rather than taking time to train them to do their jobs, he fusses at them and then performs the task himself.
He overfunctions.
They underfunction.
Everyone feels stressed.
The better solution would be for Bob to spend sufficient time teaching them to do things correctly. He must take the church’s temperature if they refuse to meet the standard or prove incapable of meeting the goal. By that, I mean he must count the costs of retaining the individuals who are not performing at their best and hurting the team. (Will there be political fallout from reassigning church employees or letting them go?) If he must dismiss them, Bob will express his appreciation and perhaps even recommend them for a more suitable line of work. The critical thing is Bob will not over-function.
3. Strong leaders do not take on other people’s anxiety.
This point lay at the heart of Friedman’s fable. We often see mothers or fathers take on the stresses and worries of their teenage and adult children. It is too much. No human is designed to receive such a burden.
Religious leaders can love their congregation too much…and endanger their own health as a result.
Well-intentioned leaders cannot concern themselves too much with the behavior of their employees. Hold them accountable—yes. Take on the burden of the outcome of their followers’ behavior—no. Doing so means they cannot fulfill their own commitments to their organizations.
Like the domino, it is hard for a leader to stand when others lean on him (or her.) But the leader can do it. With intention and effort, the leader can remain standing. That will help a host of others stand as well.
Wherever we find ourselves, let us solidly stand.
* Adapted from 020819 Kelli’s version of dominoes